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Romance and Recipes--Cooking Disasters

kitchen failWhy did she have to make the bread?  Everything would have been fine without the bread.  Everyone told her making bread was a BAD idea.  But did she listen?  No.  She just had to make bread.  Now, her kitchen--not to mention her lungs--was charred, she was minus one eyebrow, and her cat was cowering in the corner.
It wasn't her fault, though.  She blamed pinterest.  All those "easy" recipes and pretty pictures of delicately braided breads.  Easy her ass.  She didn't know what went wrong.  One minute she was praying for her dough to rise and the next the kitchen was on fire!  How does that even happen?
There was an upside, though.  At least the firemen were hot.

We've all read situations like this.  In the Sugar Cookie Sweetheart Swap, one of the heroines attempted to make cookies and set her kitchen on fire only to be rescued by the hero, a firefighter.  That's just the most recent example I could think of at the moment.  Within the last couple of weeks I've had more than my fair share of Kitchen Disasters and I thought I would share them with you.

Coffee Cake Crisis:


I recently found a recipe for coffee cake and it looked fairly easy, so I decided to try it myself.  Big mistake.  Everything was actually going alright until I got to the last step.  Somehow, I confused the bowls with the filling and the topping and wound up putting the topping in the middle of the cake.  So, what does any inexperienced baker do?  I panicked.  I grabbed the entire filling, which was supposed to be crumbled, and stuck it right in the middle of the batter.  Then, using my bare hands, I pushed it down into the batter and tried to spread it out.  I have no idea what I thought I was going to do, but whatever it was, it didn't work.  After it baked up, it was way too sweet, probably because the filling was intact.  It wasn't so bad that we had to throw it away, but I won't be making it again any time soon.


Caramel Catastrophe:


Last Saturday, I attempted to make a caramel sauce from scratch.  I had all my ingredients ready--the cream was warming in the background just like it said to do online (because when you put cold cream in a pot of hot sugar water, apparently bad things happen) and I combined the sugar and the water in a medium sized sauce pot (the same one I used whenever I make marinara sauce).  Unfortunately, I misread the instructions and instead of leaving the sugar in a sandy, grainy state, I completely dissolved it in the water.  Not good.  Within minutes, the kitchen was so smokey that I had to open all the windows, the patio door, and the apartment door.  Because I was waiting for the water to turn amber, I ended up boiling it down to the point where the entire bottom of the pot was black.  Yikes! Five days later and I'm still trying to rehabilitate it.  (Oven cleaner is doing a fairly decent job, but there are some resistant spots.)


Pizza Panic:


Not learning from Saturday's disaster, I decided to make a pizza.  From scratch.  I've made a few pizzas using store bought dough in the past, but this time I wanted to make everything myself--dough included.  I found a recipe online and everything looked alright, except it didn't seem to be rising.  According to the other reviewers online, that was normal.  It wasn't supposed to appear to rise until it was time to roll it out and even at that point, it shouldn't rise that much.  My first clue that something was wrong was when the recipe said to  cut the dough in half and store the unused portion for later use.  Well, that wasn't really possible with my dough.  I had to use it all, which is probably why it didn't cook right.  I ended up having to order an actual pizza.  Oh, the humanity.


Unlike in books, none of my disasters led to a meet-cute with an awesomely hot fireman, but I hope you guys found them amusing.  Anything for my readers. :)

Comments

  1. Last week, I made bread dough, let it rise twice, and set it in the cold oven until I got home from errands. An hour later, I received a panicking text from my husband, who came home to find bread dough taking over the oven. I told him to turn on the oven and bake it on the highest temp for 15 minutes. Well, I came home to a new and interesting type of flatbread. Apparently, my weird foreign Celsius oven goes waaayyy past the highest marked setting. He had just turned the dial until it stopped turning-- at about 300* Celsius. Next time, I'll leave better directions or plan my day in advance!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Have you ever seen the Home Ec episode of Family Matters? Laura and Urkle had to make bread and the dough flooded the classroom? That's the first thing that went through my head when reading this.

    I wish I realized how hard it is to get dough to do what you want it to do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha ha! No, I haven't, but I think I need to now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. There's probably a clip on YouTube.

    ReplyDelete

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